I’ve made some unconventional moves in my life. Probably the most decidedly atypical of which was how I chose to navigate my divorce. Someday I’ll tell more of that miraculous story but for today, I want to share something that happened recently. Something that displays the certainty that hope after divorce is possible – that God can rewrite your pain story. We are meant to live limitless.
HOPE in the dark
From a rainy day 1 when I sat in my Dodge Caravan in a Fry’s Food parking lot and realized I was going to get divorced, Jesus was with me. He held me as my world decisively came shattering down around me.
As I sat there, He held me as the enormity of the situation overwhelmed me. Two of the most precious and beautiful hearts were about to be ripped apart. At 5 and almost-2 years old, my kids were looking at a lifetime of wounds, pain, acting out, instability, brokenness and questioning love itself.
We were going to be a statistic. A label. They were going to have gaps now. Chasms in their innocence that I couldn’t cover.
In that moment He interrupted me and asked me to trust Him to bridge the gap for my kids.
To change the narrative and rewrite our legacy.
All I had to do was trust.
DURING the pain
Therapists had tough sessions with me where they outlined the likely years-long, painful process I would be facing. Lawyers encouraged me to fight hard for full-custody-and-the-works because it would be “best for the kids.” But deep down inside I could feel a check in my spirit and heard God speaking very firmly to me, “I will fight the battle for you, you need only to be still.” (Ex 14:14)
I spent a lot of time in prayer over that word. Obedience to the voice I KNEW to be God’s meant to go against the advice of a lot of professionals.
But throughout the ordeal, Jesus never left my side. He held me while I cried and I could feel him grieving with me. He would sing me to sleep and promise that someday I would smile again. And this same Jesus who had sat in my van asking me to trust Him with my kids, was quite directly telling me to stop fighting for them and let Him instead.
And so I did.
And He did too.
Pain Rewritten
Today the kids’ dad and I enjoy a co-parenting relationship that shocks most people, especially those who know the ins and outs of what happened. Through God’s leading I have learned the power of forgiveness, freedom from bitterness and how to choose what’s best for the kids even when I’m “justified” to fight back.
Because of that the kids benefit. And I benefit.
Obviously I’m skipping through a LOT. But today I have a specific story I want to tell.
About a year ago the kids got to welcome a brand new bonus mom and sister to their family. This woman has been a blessing to them in ways they’ll never understand, and she has become a blessing to me in ways I never thought I’d be lucky enough to see.
She loves my kiddos as her own, spends time building relationships with them. Also, she and I have embarked on a really cool co-mom relationship.
As soon as they got married, she and I had a solo conversation where I congratulated her on her new bridal status and make sure she knew I welcomed her presence. I’ve always made it a point to tell her when I appreciated something small (like clean, folded uniforms in their back-to-mommy backpacks). I also told her I’d love to have a friendship with her as we were both going to be parenting my kiddos and I wanted to support her through the transition process.
She cried and told me how she’d wanted such a relationship with her daughter’s step-mom and it was a no-go from the start. I’m sure we were both cautious, but little by little trust is being earned and a bond formed.
Recently, she sent me a card in the mail that I’d like to share with you.
“Dear Lisa – I wanted to send a quick note to say thank you for accepting me in [the kiddos’] lives, and for accepting [my daughter] as a sibling and student [I teach her daughter piano and voice]. Co-parenting is hard, but you and [Dad] make it look easy. I know a lot of that credit goes to you for being a the confident, not jealous Mom and putting the kids’ needs first.
I know [the kids] have room in their hearts for me and [my daughter] because of your example. So, I want you to know that I see you.
I know how hard it can be to share your kids. I know you encourage love from them by being accepting of my role as a step-mom. I appreciate the support. You are an awesome Mommy and a gracious co-parent.
No one could take your place in their lives, and I promise I will never try.”
I cried.
It’s never easy letting another woman be a mom to your kids. Of course it hurts when they call someone else Mom. But I determined that if another woman puts in the work to build a relationship where my kiddos feel comfortable calling them Mom, then I’m ok with that. And if I can support and facilitate that type of relationship, they win.
For them, it’s healing in a less-than-ideal situation.
For them, it’s safety.
For them, it’s a measure of stability that they might not have if jealousy wins.
For me, I get to watch my kids thrive.
And after that card, I finally feel seen. That my effort matters.
The power of hope
Hebrews 10:23 says, “So now wrap your heart tightly around the hope that lives within us, knowing that God always keeps His promises.”
I think it’s easy to read that verse and celebrate the light and fluffy part where God keeps His promises (don’t we all just LOVE light and fluffy?). But that’s not where hope lives. Hope lives in the deep darkness where all those promises seem to evaporate before our very eyes.
In that moment we get to choose whether we look at the storm or at His face. The Hebrew word translated here as “hold fast” is a verb meaning “to possess, control or occupy.” This is an action word, requiring us to seize and take hold of the things God promises. To view them as our inheritance; our right as children of the King. Here we can stand in our authority, no matter what things look or feel like in the moment.
Jesus told me that rainy day that He would cover my kids. If I could trust Him, it would be ok.
And it HAS been ok. Why? Because He said so and because He fights for me. Repeatedly I’ve been told that my kids seem “untouched” by divorce. I have a co-parenting relationship with their Dad that defies logic and clinical diagnoses.
Has it been easy? No. Has it gone smoothly 100% of the time? No. I won’t lie to you and say I didn’t spend nights by their bed crying over hurt hearts and standing in my authority praying covering over their hearts and minds. They’re still young and we have a long journey ahead of us. But I’m not afraid of the outcome, because He made me a promise.
As I’ve kept my eyes and hope relentlessly focused on Him, My Jesus has tirelessly and consistently fought for my children’s hearts. I see it in their eyes, their smiles, their resilience and their radiant innocence.
And in mine.
That is the limitless power of hope.
Do you have a powerful story of hope after pain? Are you still in the middle of yours? Comment below and share if you’re comfortable or shoot me an email! I’d love to partner with you in prayer.
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